Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Taking the Sally Land Ride

You may have noticed that I hadn't posted anything in quite awhile, nor sent any pesky emails, nor returned calls, nor answered letters and notes, nor answered emails, etc. Well, I've been on the Sally Land Ride. And it really sucked.

Essentially, I had a nervous breakdown, or whatever today's pc term for it is. Many of you know I have had bouts of depression at various points in my life. But you know the kinds of conversations you have about "going over the edge" or "I'm about to fall apart"? Yup, now I know what that's all about. I fell, I went.

I share this not because I am particularly proud of it. I share it because it is real. And it happened. And it's the truth. One of my new rules is that I am going to be totally honest with people and let others decide if they want to listen. Again, let me know if you want off the email list......

Basically, I think the bulk of it was that I kept myself so busy doing things, some important and others not, that I didn't allow myself any time to think and feel about the reality, gravity, and complexity of my situation.

It's also ironic that it seems that I have never had more times that I felt people, well intended, were trying to tell me what to do, how to do it, how to think, what I should feel, and so on. Very quickly I felt that I met no one's expectations and that I had literally failed at everything.

In short order it seemed there was really no point in living, because this disease is likely to kill me anyway. Why be such a burden? Where is my value?

Ultimately I figured out that it really wasn't that I wanted to die, I just didn't want to live like "this" anymore.

That pit was dark and scary. I am proud to say that I have made a great deal of progress with the help of my new friends at "Behavioral Health" (sounds like I was bad at school and sent to the principal's office). I am working a program, for lack of better words, and am quite confident that the worst is over. My main goals for the next few weeks are to build myself back up emotionally and physically. And the physical/medical stuff will require another post, my friends.....

Again, I have been blessed by having so many people in my world that care about me and have helped me through this latest ride.

2 comments:

CarolD said...

Dearest,

Do "it all" your way.
Love & Prayers,
Carol

Anonymous said...

Sally,

You are amazingly brave. I have never met any one like you. Our family prays for your strength and health. - Misty