Tuesday, October 14, 2008

My "Behavioral" Health

Huh. A few people have hinted that they would like to know how my "behavioral" health is coming along, but didn't really know how to ask. I imagine it's like asking a crazy person if they are still crazy. Yep, I'm still a little (or more) messed up, but I'm doing way better. I'm working my program and have three bevioral health helpers, a psychiatrist, a psychiatric nurse (she rocks!), and a counselor. I have two appointments a week, some groovy meds, plus homework. Who knew? All in all, I can say it's hard work but worth it.

My mind has to catch up with the changes in my reality. I find it very hard just to "accept". I still tend to think in the what-ifs, the buts, the maybes. All okay to an extent. Most of you know I am a "prepare for the worst and hope for the best" type. I just get stuck in "the worst" alot.

Many people advise me to be happy and value each day. That's very hard to do. I am grateful for so very much. But I feel robbed at the same time. Aren't you glad I have a shrink?

At the bottom of it all is anger. I am just pissed to have cancer. Pissed that breast cancer wasn't enough. Pissed at how my world has changed. Pissed at how I have changed. Pissed at how my family is affected. Pissed that my friends are affected. Pissed that I don't feel well. Pissed that I am depressed. Pissed that I am a burden. Pissed that I have no control. Pissed that I don't know what the future is. Pissed that I don't know how long I will live. Pissed that I was denied disability. Pissed that I can't drive. Pissed that the world seems to go on without me. Pissed that my health insurance doesn't provide adequate coverage for a transplant. Pissed that I need so much money to live. Pissed that I even need the transplant. Pissed that doctors can't fix this. Pissed that I can't be who I want to be. Pissed that I will leave my children without a mother. Pissed that I will leave my husband without his wife. Pissed that I will leave my parents without a daughter. Pissed that I will leave my friends. Pissed that I will be gone and everyone else will go on. Pissed. Pissed. Pissed.

I could continue, but I'll save it for my next counselor appointment. And for the punching bag we got.

Did I mention that part of my homeowrk is to blog?????

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