Monday, September 13, 2010

Ground Hog Day

Do you remember the movie "Ground Hog Day"? Or that Adam Sandler movie that I think is called 50 Dates? Anyways, the theme of both movies is that each day is repeated over and over again, as the main character has no memory of having done the exact same thing yesterday, and the day before that, and so on. I feel I am in my own Ground Hog Day.

Because my grasp of time is so very limited and confusing, the days literally blur together. It is a very odd sensation and at times really scary. Often enough I don't know the day of the week, what obligations and commitments may belong to the particular day. The difference of am and pm can easily get lost. Where do I need to be and when. The same for the kids. I often don't know what month it is. I have even had trouble knowing the year.

As you can imagine, this memory deficit is incredible maddening and usually acutely embarrassing. I do my best by taking cues from the people around me, what they are doing or talking about or referring to. My boys are an ex cellent trigger for filling in the blanks. Craig's leaving for work and coming home are hude time placers.

I wrote yesterday about alarms and lists. Sadly, this is really true and what probably allows me to even function. Craig woke me before he left and then I have a bedside alarm set and the my cell phone alarm set in another room. So far this triple wake-up call is working.

My heart and soul are devastated by this loss of memory. I used to be so organized and very on top of things. It is an insult to a trait I was so proud of to lose it and so publicly. I want my pre-everything brain back.

Just to make it all even more fun, I often can't find the correct words. My brain heads in the right direction but then they are stuck. And for more fun, sometimes my mouth is moving to say the word and no sound comes out. It sounds like a severe stutter, with my mouth moving and only guttural noise coing out. Nice.

I feel doubly betrayed. I know my body doesn't work, but my mind too?!

Then I feel like a selfish ignorant person as I recognize some larger than life things
1. Some people can't speak at all are completely handicapped in their mental abilities to even do what my limits are.
2.I am alive. Isn't that enough?

It is all a matter of perspective. Someone always has it worse and someone always has it better. But the honest truth is that I hate this. I used to be smart. I was prepared for so many losses in my body but not so much for long-term intellectual losses.

Can it get better? Maybe. Maybe not. It's a wait and see item in the oncology world. So far mine has just gotten worse.

I am just going to say it, with the caveat that I may unintentionally offend: I HATE FEELING STUPID.

What is your name? Your child's name? It's nice to meet you for the fifth time. What day is it? What time is it? Where do I have to be and when? Don't let the boys be late for school. When the alarm to pick them up sounds, just go then, or I will lode time again. When was the last time I was here? Who was with me? What did we do? I swear you didn't tell me that. I am positive I told you that. How much money is that? Will you please count out my change again? What is my PIN? How much was that? Will you please repeat what you are saying in a different way? When did we last talk? What did I do yesterday? What was I doing two hours ago? What's next on my list? Why am I calling you?I'm sorry....I don't remember the other four times we were introduced. Shit, I forgot about the food in the oven. Oh well, crispy is good. Make sure to set a timer to remember that the pasta is boiling. But as long as nobody touched the overflowing pot, we can always just start over.

Do you kind of see how poorly my memory and mind are now working? If you know me personally, is this insane or what?

Alarm just sounded to go to Oncology so I will end my rant here. Let me know if you have any questions. I have decided that if I am going to start blogging again, it can only be with the blunt and honest truths. Read it if you are curious, or ignore it if it is all just a downer. But this is the truth of SallyLand.

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