Sunday, September 19, 2010

Going Deep

I finally gave up trying to sleep at 3:00 am. My body screams for the rest. My emotional tank is near empty and needs to refuel. But my brain, my mind, my soul understand that this trip and the next few days will largely shape my life. If not forever, then at least until I have to go back again.

Nothing is mellow at SCCA. My favorite summation is, "They are serious.". It is completely unreasonable to expect all good news, no matter who you are, it seems. And I know my visit will be a hard one.

It is insane to realize that a place and a small group of people will tell you what your life will be. Typically, for problem children like me, I get a 3-month, a 6-month, and a 1-year projection. There is the white board room where statistics and odds are drawn out for you. You learn what percentage of the transplant patients that have made it this far are going to die in the next year. Year two odds were one in three. That gets your attention.

I guess they have to tell you ALL the bad things that might happen to cover their butts. Yet I am one person out of howevere many they will see that day. Once our white board meeting is over, they simply erase the board to ready for the next scared patient. But my whiteboard remains seared in my mind and affects perspective on literally everything. I have thought about stealing the board markers. Alas, they probably have more.....

With my many complications and various situations, I don't want to go to the white board room this week. I am scared.

But now I am going to ask that you not be alarmed if I don't write in the next few days. All it will mean is that I am exhausted and simply can't do anymore. Then again, with my sudden writing spurt of the last week or so, you never know. I also ask that you pray for me or meditate for me or send good energy and thoughts my way. I need you.

I am going deep into SallyLand. I have no weapons. I have no money for the ransom. I have already been here too long and I WANT OUT.

The plane leaves in four hours.

I still don't want to go.

2 comments:

K said...

I will send you positive thoughts and energy. Although you wont feel me there, I will be holding your hand.

Renee Grade Rupp said...

May you find strength in all the little things around you...in the light of your children's eyes, in the soft touch of your husband's hand, in the blue water of Seattle, and of course in the awesomeness of cheetos and milky ways (that's what helped my mom so of course I assume it solves all problems).

May God be with you and your family!