Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Another Sleepness Night

Part of the problem of not knowing the day or the time or what I am supposed to be doing and when is that I get very little sleep. This has been going on for many many months. Craig and I think it is likely the result of some med or combination of meds that I am taking, but which one? Currently I take 32 pills a day, plus two medication patches that I switch every 3 days. So, really, how would we begin to figure that out?

I typically won't remember what I did a few hours ago nor what I am supposed to be doing a few hours from now. I frequently don't remember what someone has told me, particularly the details. I write alot of things down in a notebook in my purse or on a notepad at home. Unfortunately I often forget that I have even written something down. My best method at this point is to make a pile of all the notes I have written down and then go through the pile. However my piles of "Need to Do" continues to grow. I try to prioritize and then I get confused and start it over. Those of you who know how OCD I am will certainly know that this "system" drives me crazy!

I do have the huge wall calendar and my Palm and I try to put things in both and and an alarm in my Palm. This seems to be the most effective method. But it does absolutely nothing for relationships. I come off as though I don't care enough about what someone has told me to even remember. This simply is not the case. I just don't remember. I don't remember what was told to me nor what I said to you.

I know that my chronic lack of sleep must have a great deal to do with this. I do believe I have chemo brain and cognitive damages and that they are just amplified by tiredness. I can fall asleep anywhere, I just can't stay asleep. I have tried all the typical techniques, plus every sleep medication on my health insurance formulary list. My doctor has prescribed a medication not on the list, which has been in appeal for over a month. Great.

Usually, time is a snippet in a huge long line of time. I go to bed readily and fall right to sleep. But once I have gotten up six times, I stop trying. Or when my sleep periods are only fifteen minutes before waking up, I stop trying after four periods. When I wake up, I am awake. Not the kind that one wakes up and rolls over. I am wide awake.Almost every day I struggle to stay awake and avoid naps for fear I won't sleep at all at night.

I have no doubt that the lack of sleep affects pretty much everything else in my life. We all know that when we are too tired everything gets amplified. Yuck!

So here I am writing again while the house is still quiet. It is a lonely time.

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