Monday, October 18, 2010

The Day I Made a A Promise I Can't Keep

Craig and I have been very open with John Paul and Brennan about my illnesses. Of course this is done at an age-appropriate level. They understand it as well as they can. And some things can't be hidden. And they of course know every time I am in the hospital.

So often a child will ask a question and we can answer in very general terms. This works sometimes, but usually not with John Paul. That child continually pushes his questions and statement so close to the wall that I don't want to go over. I often search for an answer that will satisfy him and often respond in a bit more mature way. But interestingly he has somehow figured out alot.

Long ago I decided I would answer any and every question. It means it's on their minds and that they need to know, at least something that will put that worry or concern to rest. When I have been asked to make a promise, I have always made it, even if perhaps I had to tweek it a bit.

Last week my heart broke as I lied to my child for the first time. There was no way to tinker with the promise I was asked to keep. John Paul asked me to promise him that someday I would be totally all better. I lied and made the promise.

My heart broke. I went outside to cry. Then once again, for the millionth time, I wiped away the tears, pulled myself together, and came back inside with a smile on my face and attempting at normalcy. But I will forever remember that on October 4, 2010, was the day I made a promise I couldn't keep.

1 comment:

brandy corbin said...

As mothers it is our job to protect our babies from sorrow. Instead of his heart, it was yours that had to be broken. I wish you all the strength mentally and physically to keep going. I think of you and your family everyday...pray for you everyday. I love you always my dear friend!!