Another Restless Night

It's been a long night. I supposed there are several reasons. Most of all, I think that I've had a pretty good run of energy and have overused that surprise. I must admit that it is my typical pattern. If I feel "good", sadly I know it won't last forever, and I use it to the max. There is so much to do but even more going on. And I want to as big of a part of life as I can.

As I mentioned in my last post, it's been very busy around here. And more than anything, I want to reconnect with my family. As in, be a family of four rather than three. And the joy I get seeing my children's eyes light up when I can say, yes, I am coming to your game, or yes, we can make that play date happen, etc., is perhaps the best cure for my soul. And to be able to be helpful to my family, as a wife and a mother, is thrilling. It really is both the little and big pictures that have suffered. I think that is part of what people understand the least. For me to have the energy to make dinner is such a rarity that the pleasure in doing so and the satisfaction in doing so is incredible. A little funny, isn't it, when I used to think of it as another thing that just must be done!

So I am feeling very spent and needing lots of extra rest now. But I am now just a little more optimistic that the pendulum will swing back again and I will be have better energy again. If I could only train myself not to squeeze the energy dry......

But in all of this have been more fun and exciting events, which I will be writing about soon, hopefully this week. Nothing earth shattering but here is an example and perhaps a little bit of why I am only sleeping in two hour stretches: Craig and I took both the boys to camp yesterday. Through the grace and generosity of the YMCA, John Paul and Brennan are off to Camp Reed. It is a wonderful and fun-filled sleep-away camp, about a half an hour north of Spokane. It may not seem far, but it is like a different world for them, in the forest on the edge of Fan Lake.

This is Brennan's first year there and he is attending Mini-Camp. It's for the littler kids who are ready for a trial run. He stays from Sunday to Tuesday evening. Without much ado, he was off goofing around with his bunk mates, five of six already there he knows from school! It really wasn't until time to say goodbye that I saw a glimpse of worry in his eyes. He came back out of his bunk room twice after we had said goodbye, just needing an extra love and an extra assurance that he would have SO much fun. But I superstitiously have wondered if each time I have woken up that he has too!

John Paul, as hard as it is to believe, will be gone until next Saturday. The older kids bunk in cabins, a bit of a ways away from the main building, where the littler guys stay. He was ready for us to leave before we even got to the cabin to get him settled in. I even had to tell him that the rules include giving the Moms a kiss and a hug before I could leave...... He, too, was immediately at home with four of his buddies from school in his cabin having already arrived. When we left, two other boys had joined, who I worry may experience a block in bonding with these four. Friends to the end, they say!

Walking back towards the main building and then to the car, it hit me that both my boys are growing up. Fast. No tears, just a lump in my throat. When did this happen? Well, much of it has happened since 2007 when I first got cancer. These years are very sketchy in my memory, which deeply saddens me. But here we are, with an incoming first grader and third grader. It seems like yesterday that B was still a toddler. As if life fragmented when I got sick. This is part of the sadness and regret I frequently feel.

On the way home we stopped at the baby shower thrown for our neighbors' daughter. It was beautiful and wonderful and pulled at that sadness that was creeping up on me. Our departure was quickened when I ate some of the delicious catered buffet. Fortunately the shower was in a park and there was a big pillar to get sick behind. Hopefully it was unnoticed. But nonetheless embarrassing and rude. I kind of knew then that my good phase was turning. I really do wish I did not ever have to eat because I would feel A LOT better all the time.

The backdrop of the entire day was Craig's and my 12th wedding anniversary. It seems impossible that twelve years have passed since the best party I've ever been too. I often think of our traditional wedding vows, about "in sickness and in health" and recognize that as we stood there before God and our loved ones, we were so oblivious of what that meant and what was to come. Statistically, we should no longer be married, according to the transplant people. Sadly, the events and changes and never-ending issues typically squash the bonds of marriage. But we've made it!

Although it will be difficult to write, someday I do want to describe how all of this affects a marriage. But only after I can go back and tell you some of the many happy and wonderful events that have happened over the last weeks. And there have been other remarkable times that with the aide of pictures and calendars I want to reach back in time and share. It will also be much more fun to read!

To Brennan and John Paul: please tell me you missed me even just a little bit while you were at Camp. And have fun!

To Craig: Happy Anniversary! Thank you for beating the odds with me. I love you.

School's Out!

Hello again. It has been an insanely busy few weeks in The Robertson Household. And the good news is that a lot of it was happy and exciting. The better news is that I was able to participate in much of it. Hooray! Progress! And if it was just good luck, I'll still take it.

The school year wound up on June 15. On that day, the entire school and many parents/families attend Mass. It is a nice way to close out the year. And to celebrate school release, I found myself at Chuck E. Cheese with a couple of other families. While I will never choose CEC on date night, eleven a.m. on a weekday is a great time to go. The boys had a blast (they chose CEC over going to the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie). I, too, enjoyed visiting with two Mom's who have always been there for me. It is always fun to hang out with cool chicks!

Skipping forward a bit, the boys' report cards arrived yesterday. We are very, very proud parents. They continue to amaze me how they balance it all. Can you feel how full my heart is for them? Yet another blessing.

And speaking of, the end of the school year wrapped up the Michele and Lisa Taxi Service. Blessed yet again to have incredible support, Michele and Lisa took turns taking the boys to school and bringing them home. This way we all new that they were safe. The irony was here I was receiving this great gift while being envious. I want to do the "Mom" things. It may sound strange to you but I missed that special time in the car, the "Mom" time. Nevertheless, I received yet another gift and am starting to think I have some guardian angels.....

Ultimately......Hooray!! School's out and summer is here!!

New Life

Well, it's early on June 7 and my sister-in-law is due tomorrow with her first baby. It is so wonderful to anticipate new life. A nephew is coming!!

It has also been an interesting time to answer the curious questions of how all this baby stuff happens from my boys. I have to admit it's a little fun when we answer their questions, as mildly as we can get away with, and then to watch the scrunched up faces and hear "YUCK!!".

Okay Angie, I'm voting Saturday. See what you can do with that........

And thank you for reminding me the glory and gift of life. What a wonderful miracle it is!

The Shift

Well that "I'm feeling pretty damn good!" period has passed again. I get them occassionally and I cherish each moment of semi-normalcy. I also try to cram everything that hasn't been done, loving on my family, accepting as many invitations as possible to catch up with friends and make new ones, wear something other than sweats, run all those errands that build up, and try to do something with this house. And then there is the PILES and BAGS of stuff to catch up on. Ugh.....they are the bane of my existence.

It's pretty exciting to feel decent. It's almost a high. But as much as I am sure I am "better", there is a finite period of time involved. And this one has passed again. I cry each and every time it changes and I burrow in my hole and wonder why. I mean, I know why, this is just how it goes post-transplant. And my manic activity when I feel decent probably does not help the longevity. But it's like the whole world shifts and I am back in it.

So when it goes, I just hope and pray it will not be too long before it's back.

"IF YOU CAN HELP ANYBODY EVEN A LITTLE, BE GLAD; UP THE STEPS OF USEFULNESS AND KINDNESS, GOD WILL LEAD YOU IN TO HAPPINESS AND FRIENDSHIP." I have borrowed this from the All Saints Newsletter. I feel this deep in my soul. This is who I want to be and the kind of people I have been incredibly blesed with. Lord, please give me the patience I need. Please give me a life back.

This post was a little here and there. But it's what's on my mind tonight.

Love and blessings to each of you.