Friday, July 31, 2009

Why I Didn't Write For So Long

This is perhaps the hardest entry I have ever written. The bottom line is I can't really explain why I didn't blog for so long. My silence also included a complete drop out from all communications. Phone calls, email, Facebook, letters. Literally everything. Pretty much if you weren't literally with me, I was succeeding in disappearing.

My best explanation is that NOTHING went or turned out as I planned. I had intended to blog all the way through transplant and the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance experience. I do have lots of pictures, stories, and thoughts to share. I just haven't figured out HOW. Each day I would be sure the next day would be better and then I would write. I felt guilty every day for not writing. Then I thought I would get back on track once I got home. Again, nothing has gone as I expected it would.

My second explanation is that I that I lost my "groove". I didn't feel the creative urge to write. It just hasn't been there. It has been a little scary feeling that way. It seems I always have something to say. I did have lots to say, just not the skills to say it.

I also wanted to write with a positive and upbeat spirit. Yet that spirit remains elusive. I couldn't handle writing about the challenges rather than reporting successes. I feel this weird responsibility to end the transplant story with a smile, with good news, with a conclusion. Without the prayers, emotional support, and financial support from all of you, I wouldn't have been able to have the transplant in the first place. I want to give back to you only the good. Does this make sense?

I am also ashamed that I am unable just to celebrate the gift of life I received from a total stranger. I feel ashamed that I can't just be grateful, not mired in all the other crap.

I also have not been well most of the time. I don't know that anyone really wants to read about that.

Ultimately I haven't known how to explain to others what I can't understand myself. Again, it feels like if a person literally hasn't been there with me that I have no way to describe it. This transplant journey has kicked my ass. Our family has been turned upside down and shaken. The words elude me to adequately describe it all. So I guess with not realizing it, at least at first, I just hid away. And waited for some magic to come. It's still not here but I am giving it a shot anyways.

I end with a sincere apology to those who I have offended by not communicating sooner. The fact that it has totally and indescribably overwhelmed me is not a fair outcome for those of you who have been there for me. I owed you better than that. I pledged to you that I would try to take you with me on my journey, and I failed to do that. Again, I will try to honor my commitment to write, including going back in time and sharing the best I can. I've got some pretty amazing pictures to post as well.

I am sorry.

Now that I have stumbled all over myself and then offered an inept apology, I am logging off to get sick. This may take awhile or not. I would also benefir from some sleep, my goal if I feel a little better. I may be back in a few, or maybe tomorrow, or maybe a week from now. Until then......

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

I don't think you need to apologize or explain--although few of us understand or know the fullness of what you've gone through and are going through, geez, we can imagine enough to know that it would be perfectly understandable to want to hide for awhile. It seems utterly unthinkable that you would need to apologize.

Linda said...

Well said Anonymous comment #1.

As for me, I checked the blog daily to see that you were still breathing - how's that for being frank? You know better than I what you have been dealing with. I didn't care what you wrote just that you were alive. You have been through so much in your life (since I've known you since you were 8 enough said about that). Is life fair? Hell No! But you are dealing with it the best you can.

Love to all of you. Linda

Anonymous said...

You do not need to apologize. You have not failed anyone. You are still here with us, so you have succeeded.
Don't feel the need to push yourself, because we will all still be here when you feel ready to post. We will check this site, and if you haven't written anything that just means we will check again later, and will appreciate whatever you have to give us.

Nancy B said...

You sound like you are in despair and far from hope right now. That's totally normal in your circumstance--you don't "owe" us for not being cheerful and upbeat. I am so very sorry that you have to continue to feel this way and pray that you will experience healing relief as soon as possible.

Adrienne said...

Shame on anyone who feels slighted by you for not communicating. I was only scared that something bad had happened and God knows I don't want that! I love you girl and I am glad that you have been able to post atleast a few times. Don't worry about anyone else, you get around to writing when you feel better. We are still here for you and praying for you. Peace and Love.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you.

Aunt Sue

Anonymous said...

You have NO reason to apologize. As everyone else has said already, we are all just so happy to know you and to know you'll soon be on the mend. I love you Sally! Take all the time you need, press into Him, and we are right here anytime! May God give you comfort. ~David, Angie, and Zoe

Barbara Ann said...

Dear Sally,

Oh boy, we all need to watch some European films. We Americans get caught in the Disney mentality of "happy endings." Life is process. You owe no one any apologies because you are engaged in battle. Remember the character from that Kevin Costner film "Dances with Wolves" - her name was Stands with a Fist? That's you, hon. With love,
Barbara Ann

Dennis Pyritz, RN said...

Great Blog! You are a credit to the cancer blogging community. I am a leukemia survivor also. I have added you to my blogroll, “Cancer Blog Links” with over 500 other cancer blogs at www.beingcancer.net, a cancer networking site featuring a cancer book club, guest blogs, cancer resources and more. Please stop by and visit. If you like the site, please consider adding Being Cancer to your blogroll.
Take care, Dennis

Anonymous said...

Sally
I am saddened to hear you feel the need to apologize. If its good therapy for you to tell your story--tell it-if its not--dont. I am just praising God to know you made it this far! And may He wrap you up in emotional healing as well as physical! Much livin to do!!
I am such a distant friend and dont expect anything in return. I just want you to know I care. and our paths will cross agian I know!
So do what helps you most.
much healing and love your way!
Kami

Anonymous said...

Hi Sally
I hope this post finds you continuing to survive. At this point, that is really what it is about. Not about thriving and making people happy and fulfilling expectations. You are in the fight of your life. In June, my husband had an unrelated stem cell transplant at the Hutch as well. We are back home in MA with our children, He is absolutley miserable, but alive. I just wanted to tell you that your words were so important for him to hear. He and I both feel the guilt of having many people's support and love and not being able to either reciprocate or at the very least return a call or post a happy comment. You may think that your thoughts were just negative and sad, but for others going through this, they were perfect and reassuring. I am so sad for you and your family that you have to endure this. Please know that you have my deepest respect and gratitude for even taking the time to tell your story. Please add us to your long list of supporters. You are in our thoughts. Laurene and Tryg Swift