Friday, December 31, 2010

In the Middle of the Night

I am up again, as usual. After a couple of hours of being the only one awake in a relatively small home, I get a little stir crazy. Alas, this is reduced by the fact that I am up because I am sick. This would be a good place to stop reading if you don't want to know the details. For days my diarhea has gotten progressively worse, culminating in the perhaps the most degrading part of my illness: having diarhea in my sleeep in my bed. This, is turn, results in the return to wearing Depends. From a vanity standpoint, it doesn't get much worse.

I often don't sleep at night, for a variety of reasons. But the profuse diarhea leads to the desire to take a bath. This seems strange to my kids, who occasionally come in with their eyes protected with their arms to ask me what I am doing taking a bath in the middle of the night. Other than that, it is one of the most lonely feelings in the world.

I feel horrible, but why wake anyone up? This is the what number of night I have done this? I often wonder if I should go ahead to the hospital and get this party started. I am sure that if you have had experience with some sort of ailment that you knew would end up with that ER visit, unless copious amounts of blood are involved, an evaluation of what day of the week it is, what time it is, how many drunks and prisoners are likely to be there, when the the ER docs change shifts, and so on is a necessary consideration. It is really an art to decide when it is best to go. And with enough experience with all this sickness, I have also learned what can wait to morning and be accomplished in an office visit versus what they are likely to send me to the hospital anyways.

Sometimes it is best to go in the middle of the night because there is a chance I may be back before the boys wake up. However, who am I kidding. I would most likely end up staying as guest. But even this can be less disruptive if I go in the night, when Craig has the day off. It saves half the drama from Craig and the kids.

I sit here, so damn angry at my damn body for failing me. No matter what I do, I inch further and further way from "healthy and normal" to a place I don't want to go. I am not ready.

It is a long and lonely night, again. My tears are mixed with pain and feeling sick and an overwhelming frustration that this is now my life.


Linda said...

It is 9pm on Dec. 31st. I haven't read your blog in awhile. To be honest, I go in spurts and then you don't write for a long time and I forget to check it. That is where I am right now. First of all, you look incredible, not in spite of what you have been through but, seriously, just incredible. This from a woman who still sees that beautiful 6 year old girl we met so many years ago. There are no words to express feelings about your life and your medical problems. You can be grateful for Craig and your children if you can think of nothing else. So sad to see you write about Sally and end with See you soon. I don't know what else to say. How is that for honesty? I will just say I will be thinking of you and offering up some of those prayers you need so badly.

Anonymous said...

As always, know that our thoughts and prayers are with you and your lovely family. We love you all dearly.
Jackie, Todd, Adam, Erin & Ali

AWB said...

Sally, it is the middle of the night and I am up for entirely different reasons than you may be at this time. While creating a new blog I decided to catch up on yours. I think of you often, more than you'd think. I get so angry at the universe for putting you thru what you have to go thru. Seeing genuinely sick people daily reminds me not to sweat the small stuff, but I genuinely wish I could take some of your pain away. You are extraordinary and I strive to be as loving and organized of a mother as you are. You amazed me the other day when you took a note to remember to send a card to someone. I don't know that I would be so thoughtful of others with so many other things going on in my life like you. I don't know if I am that thoughtful now. Granted I am up late and a bit emotional anyhow, but I have no strong or encouraging words for you as you are already stronger than I and any of the people I know. If you need a friend to talk to I am generally up at odd hours and would love to be an ear. ~ with much love, Amanda

Katy said...

Love you and your honesty. Looking forward to hearing your voice soon. You give me strength.

Anonymous said...

Your honesty is DEEPLY appreciated. It is always good to hear how another human being really feels, no matter what it is or how painful. It is powerful. You are powerful.

- Ginger